The following story serves as proof that my ex-girlfriends can be total sweethearts even after we break up:
This past weekend (which is a lot further away now than this upcoming weekend is; how did that happen?) Emma, my last girlfriend, came back to New Jersey to visit a bunch of old friends, myself included. We spent most of Saturday walking around campus, getting sushi for lunch, stopping by her favorite ice cream joint, and just generally hanging out.
Way back when Ice Princess came out in theaters, Emma joked that it was too bad Disney hadn’t postponed it a month, because then we could’ve gone to see it together. (Because, as I’ve mentioned previously, I was dying to see it but feared being driven out of the theater by enraged mothers who mistook me for a potential child molester.) Well, the subject of figure skating came up (because there was a competition airing on ABC that day, and Sasha Cohen lost to Michelle Kwan again) and Emma said we should go see Ice Princess if it was still playing. I said “Sure,” because honestly, what were the chances?
Well, guess what? It was still playing.
When I found this out I immediately started backtracking. Emma and I are still good friends, but going with someone to see a movie in which you have no interest, just so the other person can see it without getting arrested strikes me as Girlfriend Duty. And not the good kind of Girlfriend Duty. I didn’t want to exploit Emma in that way so I was sincerely trying to talk her out of it, but she insisted (I swear!). So we went. And the theater was more than half full of mothers and their 12-year-old daughters. Plus Emma and me. (Actually, I’m exaggerating for the sake of the story. In reality there were a few other couples of Emma’s and my age—though I suspect in every other case it was the female who’d dragged the male there, not the other way around.) Anyway, now I know why Disney movies play for so long. I bet the cumulative number of audience members in the three theaters dedicated to Sin City didn’t match up to the number of people in our theater....
Anyway, here’s the scoop. Yes, I enjoyed the movie, and no, it wasn’t good at all. But even if you eliminated the figure skating (which wasn’t as exciting to watch as, say, watching the actors play basketball in Hoosiers—and despite my Indiana background please keep in mind that I don’t like watching basketball) I still would’ve enjoyed this movie, because it was cheesy as all hell. And if there’s one thing I appreciate, it’s cheesy movies.
My favorite moment? Casey (Michelle Trachtenberg) has just returned from her first competition at which her coach, Tina (Kim Cattrall), sabotaged her by buying her a brand new pair of skates for her final event. (FYI, you’d want to break in new skates before using them in a competition—otherwise you’ll fall down a lot, as Casey did.) Tina sabotaged Casey because she suddenly realized Casey’s better than she thought she was, and Tina’s daughter, Gen (also a skater), was in danger of losing her spot in the regional competition to Casey. Blah blah blah. Anyway, so Casey leaves her coach—who happens to own the local skating rink—and therefore has to resort to practicing on the frozen pond in her backyard. But it is bumpy. Because, y’know, it’s a fucking pond. So she keeps falling down, and frustration mounts. But then, over the hill comes this Zamboni driven by Teddy, the kid Casey has a crush on and who drives the Zamboni at Tina’s rink (he is also, coincidentally, Tina’s son). He had come to smooth out Casey’s bumpy pond so that she can pursue her dream (cue triumphant music). It was so cheesy I practically fell out of my chair. Emma couldn’t stop laughing. Her laughter was so hysterical, in fact, that I started to worry that she was in as much danger of being run out of the theater as I would’ve been had I come alone.
But we had a great time and talked about it incessantly afterwards. But get this: Michelle Kwan got to play a judge (or I should say Michelle Kwan’s cleavage got to play a judge) in the movie, whereas Sasha Cohen merely appeared for five seconds in a performance that Casey was watching on TV—and it showed Sasha falling on her ass.
Uncool.
While Emma and I were walking through campus again later that day, we walked by two girls who were talking about a fashion show that was going to take place on campus. The blonde girl was trying to convince the blonder girl to participate with her. Phrases like “You’d look so hot!” and “You should totally do it!” were followed by this gem: “You know what’s fun? Getting hammered? And then modeling.”
It almost beat the Zamboni scene for the most ridiculous thing we’d witnessed all day.
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