So I received the newly released DVD of THX 1138 for Christmas this year, and despite the prominently placed phrase “The George Lucas Director’s Cut” all over the box (which should’ve set my spidey-sense tingling) I was really excited to watch it. For, as anyone who’s suffered through a conversation about movies with me knows (assuming he/she didn’t stop paying attention when I launched into my detailed lecture on the staggering genius of Jim Carrey’s 142 distinct facial expressions, as cataloged by me), THX 1138 is second only to Blade Runner as my favorite science fiction movie of all time. Since the advent of DVDs I’ve been waiting patiently for this one, because I’d never seen it in its original widescreen form (I wasn’t even born when it was released in theaters in 1970, and the two movie house revivals I’ve attended were both a bit of a letdown, sound- and picture-wise), and I was well aware of the rumors that Warner Brothers had cut a few minutes out of Lucas’s final cut back in ’69, which I was hoping accounted for the “Director’s Cut” hoopla on the box.
Silly me. This is George Lucas we’re talking about, after all. And he ruined it. Not completely, mind you--nowhere near the level of defilement he inflicted on Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back (not to mention Return of the Jedi, a movie I don’t even particularly like). He was actually kind of restrained, comparatively speaking. But still, he changed it. And it pissed me off. Listen: I know George has lost his mind. He has created two of the worst big-budget science fiction movies I’ve ever seen, and he’s about to release a third. But I can ignore those horrible prequels because they don’t diminish my love of Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back one bit. They are completely independent of each other as far as I’m concerned. But George’s newfound discovery of the joys of re-editing is leading to some truly criminal acts. I kept my mouth shut when he made Greedo shoot first, etc., because let’s face it, Star Wars is a movie for kids. Sure the films were perfect in their original incarnation, and no amount of “updating” will make them appear as if they’d just been shot yesterday (which, as far as I can tell, seems to be George’s intention), but the Star Wars movies are diversions. They’re fluff. I love them, but despite all of Ben and Yoda’s pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo they still have very little to say. THX 1138, on the other hand, is a movie with a soul. And George did his best to try and rip it right the fuck out of its chest.
So as I said, it pissed me off. Enough so that I wanted to write George a letter, but I knew he’d never read it. Then it hit me. This blog is the perfect forum for such bursts of impotent rage. So although George will never read it, at least it’s in a spot where he could, assuming he ever Googles himself along with phrases like “colossal dickhead.” And thus, without further ado, I present to you my open letter to George Lucas:
Dear Mr. Lucas,
Thank you for raping what is perhaps your most important (not to mention most personal) movie. It didn’t even occur to me that you might do the right thing and add a bunch of useless shit to this film. I was so naïve! Let’s face it, this movie’s 1969 incarnation was totally low budget. Never mind that this actually worked to the movie’s thematic benefit. Sure, the idea was that this particular future you were showing us was a sterile, barren, and oppressive environment devoid of interpersonal contact, and that the only color and vibrancy was in the items that our degraded future selves were supposed to “buy, buy more [of], and be happy.” But that was 1969. As you’ve rightly judged, that movie no longer has any value or meaning in our new utopian culture. So you did what any sane director would do: you added digital effects to spruce it up and rip that old theme to shreds.
Boy, the ’60s (with its three television stations and its lack of a global company like AOL/Time/Warner controlling pretty much every facet of popular culture) sure was a nightmare world! But now, in the Golden Age of the new millennium, with commercials for Zoloft, Propecia, Zanax, Wellbutrin, Viagra, etc., all over the place, and soothing 24-hour cable channels inundating us with celebrities who are famous because they’re rich, or because they’re pretty, or because they fought their way onto some reality show and humiliated and degraded themselves for the public’s fickle pleasure by eating monkey rectums, the dangers of a vacant, over-medicated life are a thing of the past. So why have a movie in which human existence has devolved into a horrifying world of drug-controlled, zombified masses? How depressing! No, it’s much better to add some cool cars zipping around the streets, showing that life isn’t so bad after all (as long as you have some money).
I also liked the nicely polished, slightly fake-looking robot factories. Sure, it jarred me right out of the fictional world I’d been absorbed in up to that point because it didn’t mesh at all, but so what? Style over substance is the way to go. (Well, that’s not entirely true, because if you had wanted to maintain the style, you would’ve realized that adding everything you did completely ruined the style. So I guess what I mean is “Neither style nor substance--just neato special effects.”) And by showing us the robot policemen all naked and stuff, you’ve really taken away some of the menace they had--which is great because, honestly, why should we be afraid of this movie’s authority figures? They’re not so bad, right? They’re just doing what they were programmed to do by the state. Yes, you’ve done an excellent thing here. Movies with messages are for pinko, aging hippies, and you’ve got an empire to rule, am I right?
The only thing that bothers me is the scenes in the white prison room. It’s just so...stark, y’know? It’s like there aren’t even any walls in that room. I assume you just ran out of time and weren’t able to add a bunch of electronic-looking shit floating around in the air for no reason whatsoever. That would’ve really enhanced the point you were trying to make. Assuming you remember what point you were trying to make with this movie. It’s okay if you don’t--the screen looks completely cluttered now, and that’s what really matters!
It’s also too bad you couldn’t replace Robert Duvall and Maggie McOmie with computer animated characters. I think this movie would’ve worked a lot better with a couple of Jar Jar Binkses instead of humans. (Which, of course, would've gone against the theme you were exploring with SRT, the hologram character, but never mind about that.) Nothing against Robert or Maggie, but they were so expressive in the film. As they reunited in the white room I actually started to feel some authentic emotions for them and their predicament, which was completely uncalled for. I’m sure you did your best to make them as wooden and automated as the policemen (not to mention every actor you’ve used since Return of the Jedi), but that’s the problem with flesh and blood actors; they tend to bring so much...I dunno...humanity to their roles.
I guess all that’s left now is for you to create a “director’s cut” of American Graffiti, which I’m really looking forward to. First of all, I think you should digitally insert Harrison Ford’s character into a much more modern, sleeker car. That roadster he drives is so 1950s, you know? I mean, c’mon, if any movie needed an update, it’s one that looks like it’s taking place during the Eisenhower administration or something! Also, you should digitally enhance Cindy Williams’s rack, because big boobs would really add dimension to the movie, and that’s what it’s all about.
You remember that time you hired hundreds of carpenters to construct Jabba the Hutt’s sailbarge, and it took them three months to finish it, and then it only had about 17 seconds of screen time before you blew it to smithereens? And you remember how you said, at the time, that a special effect was merely a means to an end, not the end itself, and that any moviemaker who showcased his special effects was doing so because he didn’t have a story to go with them? Thank god you’re not that guy anymore! What a douche he was! And just think--now, with computer animation, you don’t need those carpenters at all. Lucky for us you don’t want to put all the fancy stuff in the background--it should be right out front where even the nearsighted moviegoers can see it plain as day. In fact, you know what would be coolest of all? If you basically threw away the original print from American Graffiti and just started from scratch, creating everything digitally. It wouldn’t even have to be the same story. You’re George Lucas--do what you want, man!
Sincerely,
me
P.S. When did you replace your human brain with a robot one? ’Cause that was a super idea!!!
P.P.S. I hate you.
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