“For I Had a Story that No One Could Beat...”

I went to Best Buy this weekend because I had to return a DVD someone had given me as a gift (I already owned it). This wasn’t a trip I was anticipating with any great excitement, because my Best Buy is located in an extremely congested area. It’s in this block of strip malls containing the local Wal-Mart (my least favorite store of all time), a couple of grocery stores, Target, a sporting goods store, Borders, and every other shop anyone in a twenty-mile radius could want. So the titanic parking lot that services all these stores is a study in stationary road rage, compounded by the fact that the exits are ingeniously situated in a way that induces traffic jams, which in turn induces impatient people to lay on their horns for extended periods of time. In short, it’s not a fun place to visit unless you’re the type who enjoys honking back.

So anyway, I finally found a parking space that was holding a mere two stray shopping carts from Wal-Mart, parked, and then played human Frogger with a handful of pissed-off motorists still looking for their own semi-empty parking spots, until I had made it safely inside Best Buy (1500 points to me!). I got my DVD stamped by the bouncer guy who was putting the moves on one of his co-workers at the door, and then joined the long line of blank-faced customers at the returns desk. A few minutes later this guy standing in front of me got shit on by a bird.

Okay, that’s not true, but there were at least three birds flying around inside the Best Buy. Isn’t that strange? I kept waiting (indeed, some might say praying) for one of them to tag somebody in line, as long as it wasn’t me. Because although I don’t normally find humor in the suffering of others....oh, who am I kidding? I’m a loyal disciple of schadenfreude (as any self-respecting fan of The Office is). Anyway, it never happened. Nothing fun ever happens when I’m around... *sigh*

After I returned home I wondered what my reaction would’ve been if a bird shit on me inside Best Buy. It seems like it would be a particularly degrading thing to happen to one while "safely" indoors, you know? Out in nature it’s a potential hazard we all live with. But I think I’d take it personally if I got shit on within the spacious, yet undeniably artificial (and, one would think, not very bird-friendly) confines of a retail superstore.

Would I get out of line? Perhaps I’d walk up to the wide-eyed girl behind the desk and say, “I’m sorry to interrupt your transaction with this other customer, but I just got shit on. By a bird. Inside your store.” Then I’d stare at her expectantly, with poop running down my forehead. How could this poor girl possibly respond to such an odd a series of statements?

“Um. That sucks. May I offer you a Kleenex?”

More likely I’d get out of line and head straight for the door, secretly itching to snap at the guy who’d stamped my DVD on the way in, should he be foolish enough to ask to see my receipt. Let him try, if he dare. “I just got shit on!” I’d reply venomously. “By a bird! In your store!” Perhaps hoping he’d fall all over himself with heartfelt apologies, shoving $50 Best Buy gift cards into my hands, etc., etc.

Though of course it’s more likely he’d barely take his eyes off the co-worker he was flirting with to say “Okay, sir. Have a nice day!” using that ersatz enthusiastic/automatic delivery of which only retail employees are capable. After all, he doesn’t own the fucking place. Why should he care? He’s just trying to get laid on his lunch break.

So I guess this entry is my first (and hopefully last) homage to Dr. Seuss’s And to Think that I Saw It on Mulberry Street, the classic tale of a kid who saw absolutely nothing of consequence on his way home from school one day. I’d like to tell you that my next entry will cover something that actually happened in the Real World (instead of my childish “I like stories about poop” world) but I’m not making any promises.