Re: the Ghost Rider trailer. “Ug. I’d rather watch Daredevil again.”
Hey, they’re fighting a Sentinel! Man, this movie is going to be awesome!
Um. All 20th Century Fox could afford was the Sentinel’s head? Don’t they have a special effects budget for this movie? [Stifles yawn, checks watch.]
Ah, it’s just the Danger Room. I should’ve known. Well, Brett Ratner still has a chance to turn this around….
Oh, goodie. Cyclops is going to be a whiny bitch in this movie. At least he’s staying in character.
Here we go: the resurrection of Jean Grey; the moment I’ve been anticipating for years! Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Wait—huh? Hey! Where’s the fucking Phoenix Effect? Argh! A quick math lesson for Brett Ratner: a whirlpool and some white
light ≠ Phoenix Effect. Dumbass.
Similarly, Jean suddenly standing in front of Cyclops and responding to his question with a dumbfounded “I don’t know” also ≠ Phoenix Effect.
When Wolverine found Cyclops’s shades, here’s what I thought was going to happen: Storm would find Cyclops huddled against a rock with his hands over his eyes, unable to move because he couldn’t see anything without obliterating half the countryside. Instead, we learn—several scenes later—that Jean killed Cyclops. Which means that a main character’s death occurred off-screen. The reasoning for this, as far as I can tell, is shock value. But that doesn’t change the fact that a main character in this movie (in this franchise) died off-screen, which is completely unacceptable. To add insult to injury, he doesn’t even get a funeral! Oh, sure, Xavier gets a funeral. All Cyclops gets is the equivalent of “Oh, P.S., he’s dead.” That’s good scripting.
Fact: the Phoenix is the most powerful being in the galaxy. In the comic books, that is. In this movie she’s only capable of levitating some stuff and disintegrating the occasional mid-level character actor.
Speaking of which, they won’t give us the Phoenix Effect, but they will make Jean look like “Evil Willow” from season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a small-budget (albeit excellent) TV show on the WB, also known as one of the “fake” networks? And the sad thing is that Alyson Hannigan (a witch) looked scarier in her makeup than Famke Janssen (a near-invincible being of cosmic power) does in hers. They really don’t have a budget for this movie!
God, I hate Halle Berry. Yet somehow she and Wolverine have become the two main characters in this movie. How did that happen?
The promise of an epic “mutant vs. the military” battle falls flat when it turns out that 99 percent of the mutants involved seem to have no noticeable powers other than being able to run directly toward the enemy and scream really loud.
Has Colossus said a single word in this movie since leaving the Danger Room? I didn’t think so.
Maybe this is just because Rogue is my favorite character in these movies, but you want to know the thing that pissed me off most? For three movies now we have experienced Rogue’s pain. Because of her power she is incapable of human contact. But after all the angst this latest movie gives us the big payoff—Rogue can now touch her longtime boyfriend, Bobby, without fear of killing him. And what does Brett Ratner give us? They touch hands. Let me say that again. They touch hands. Call me a sappy romantic, but isn’t it possible that a slow, tender kiss shared between these two characters might’ve been slightly more—oh, I don’t know—satisfying than some chaste hand-holding? As far as I’m concerned this should’ve been the most important moment in the film. Instead, the director treated it like a throwaway scene. What a dick.
The ticket-taker at the theater said “Be sure to stay ‘til the end for something spectacular.” So we did. Julie and I agree that it was far from spectacular.
As it turns out, the scene introducing Warren Worthington III was by far the best scene in the movie. Why? Because it dealt with, oh what’s that word? Oh yeah, character. Plus, it reminds us that not all mutations are fun and exciting—even the ones that grant deep-seated wishes held by most humans (i.e., the wish to fly). (For this same reason, the scene introducing Rogue in the first X-Men is my favorite scene in the trilogy.)
Julie’s Post-Movie Thoughts, in No Particular Order
“What was up with that blue dude?”
According to Julie, Wolverine’s reason why he didn’t want Professor X blocking Jean’s powers is because the Phoenix was clearly more “interested” (wink-wink nudge-nudge) in him than Jean was and therefore (and I quote): “‘If she’s the Phoenix, then I can tap that.’”
[The following exchange is in reference to Magneto abandoning the powerless Mystique]
JULIE: But Mystique really loved the metal man.
ME: Who, Colossus?
JULIE: No, Magnet Guy.
ME: Oh, Magneto.
JULIE: Right. He shouldn’t have left her behind. She was clearly in love with him—I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
ME (nodding my head): You’re probably right. Leaving her was a mistake.
JULIE: Yeah, ’cause she’s hot, right?
(Mystique, by the way, is Julie’s favorite mutant.)
It’s possible that when X-Men: The Final Stand comes out on DVD I will not be quite so critical. After all, I remember being none too impressed by the first X-Men movie when I first saw it in theaters. I had been expecting more, and the same can certainly be said for this one. Perhaps most disappointing was the movie’s improper use of the Phoenix. I don’t know, perhaps the comic book version of the Phoenix is just too cosmic for the movie, which—despite its fanciful premise—is pretty mundane in its approach. I certainly wasn’t expecting an interplanetary contingent of aliens to touch down on earth and demand that the Phoenix be put to death or anything. But I was expecting more than Famke Janssen standing around like a comatose zombie in red leather. Her motivations were nonexistent. Why bother to follow Magneto, a mutant clearly below her level of power? As the Phoenix, she has no interest in his terrestrial cause.
Am I just a grumpy old man? Will any superhero movie ever satisfy me again?
Superman Returns better be worth it or I’m gonna throw a tantrum.
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